The top five.

I got a whole torrent of abuse shouted at me from a passing car the other day. None of it was particularly imaginative, however it did get me thinking about the very best racial insults I've ever been handed. Sure, I get decent amount of Niggers and Paki's thrown my way (obviously not at the same time, that would be one slightly confused racist) and with the imminent doom of the return of the sus laws on the horizon, I also get stopped and searched a whole freaking lot. To be fair, being a 20-something male with dreadlocks and a headscarf doesn't do me any favours. Amazingly, I manage to tick the knife wielding black youth, drug dealing Rasta and Islamic terrorist boxes all at the same time. Win.
The following list, however, is the more amusing ones. Most of them are pretty subtle, by the middle class, art school softies I tend to end up around. And so I present to you:

John's top 5 all-time favourite amusing racial slurs:
5)"Do you know where I could get some weed, mate"
God, I get that a lot. Nobody ever offers to sell me any weed; they just assume my pockets are bulging with the stuff already. Not really funny on its own- but I like to imagine the thought train of the people who ask me this. "Dude, I really need some weed...Hey, look! Brown person! Dreadlocks! We're saved!"

4)"Where are you from originally?" - this is a great one. It takes the form of a whole conversation & happens a lot. I answer, "Brighton" and then they reply, "No, I mean, where are you from?" and I answer...."Brighton." "No, no, where were you from originally?" "Brighton!" "But where were you born?"... It goes on in that vein for some time.

3) "Oh, you must introduce me! I get on really well with black people!" - spoken about me to my friend Molly, by her roommate at college. Followed by Molly's long incredulous silence. Subtle and completely unintentional by a true art school toff. Love it. Molly never introduced me.

2)"Gollywog!" Shouted at me from a passing car. Genius. Who says that any more? That's like saying "Radical!" or "Cowabunga dude!" get with the times, man.

and number one on the list.....

1) "Filthy Jap" Shouted at me on the street. Wonderful. The poor individual didn't even bother to differentiate between those various "ethnic" types. Perhaps he didn't know the difference? Perhaps he was pressed for time and selected the first one to hand? I look like many things, but Japanese is not one of them. Deliciously surreal, not to mention sounding like something last shouted at Iwo Jima. I want a "Filthy Jap" T-shirt. In giant letters.
( this also pushed "Ching Chong Chang" off the list. Unbelievable, I know. Are these people blind?)

Also another related fave- "Go home cripple" written across the front of Al Davison's house. Probably wasn't funny at the time, but Al seemed to find some humour in the re-telling. To were exactly? Cripple-land?

~John~